25 yrs of torment as I was emotionally disconnected from me.
Live with a yet to be diagnosed mood disorder, practice #meditation and #mindfulness.

We all have this voice inside us, it’s the inner chatter that allows us to decide everyday things like should I get out of bed? Deciding which cereal to choose. Deciding what clothes to put on.
Sometimes this inner chatter is a force for good, it can focus our attention on our goals, some big, some small. Sometimes our inner chatter gives us confidence and allows us to see our good points, but it can also make us feel not so good and focus in on our bad points. Sometimes this inner chatter can be too much to bare. This inner chatter will put us down, make us feel worthless, incapable of carrying out basic human tasks. It can create a dark array of outcomes, what if’s, why’s, that cause your mind to wander. Wander into the chasm of loneliness. The realms of darkness where everything in our lives just feel grey. Never feeling good enough. Never excepting the truth. Never allowing happiness in.

You can only go so long continuing on this circular path, round and round repeatedly until you are emotionally, physically and mentally drained. It will break you. Getting off this train is a hard thing to achieve. But the right thing is never easy.

Humans are amazing creatures, unfortunately though – although, some of us think we can – we are not mind readers. We can’t predict what another human is thinking. We cannot predict what another human is going to do. We can’t decipher the hundreds of millions of electrical charges that are dancing around another humans brain. We just can’t… Stop trying to. Some of us can’t even make sense of our own thoughts, why try to make sense of others?

Consider the reality for a moment. Every human on this planet doesn’t know what they are doing. Myself included. We don’t know who we are. We are all experiencing the exact same identity crisis. All humans are stumbling about trying to unlock the answers to the universe, understand our purpose on this planet. There are only two things that sets each of us apart.
Our body and our environment.

Our social landscape at the moment is a bit horrifying when you sit and actually look at it.
We value celebrity and monetary value over morals. We value likes and comments over real human interaction. We value ‘Same Day Delivery’ and instant gratification over savouring the good moments in our life. When are we going to stop? Are we going to stop? Are we going to change our focus?

My focus has been around the block a few hundred thousand times. Since a young age, my focus has been facing outwards toward other people. Fixated on what society wants me to be, shining my light to what I think they want me to be. Never focussing inward. Never asking myself, what do I want to be? What will make me happy?

Apparently according to a piece in The Telegraph UK, the average briton checks their smart phones every twelve minutes. Wow.
We are losing our focus to an insignificant piece of technology that will pass it’s ‘sell by date’ in less than eight to twelve months as the next new and improved model will overtake it’s want-ability.
Imagine turning off those annoying, focus stealing notifications.
Imagine pointing your spotlight toward your body. Imagine listening to what it is telling you every twelve minutes.
Imagine noticing what is going on in our habitat every twelve minutes. Imagine what you will notice.
Imagine not having the anxiety of checking your social media feeds one hundred and fifty times per day.
Imagine not looking to see if your latest post about not doing the washing up has got any likes from other humans from your past. Humans you havn’t spoken too in nine years because they were a bit of a tool.
Imagine putting your focus at your center.
Fuck imagining..
Time to refocus.

May the force be with you, always.