25 yrs of torment as I was emotionally disconnected from me.
Live with a yet to be diagnosed mood disorder, practice #meditation and #mindfulness.

“It’s like thunder and lightning, You hurt me without trying, A tempest, you was rising, And no I don’t like to be this way.”

Ollie Alexander / Years & Years

From the outset here I just want to say that my story is my own, please don’t take what I say as gospel truth, this is my truth. Your truth and your battle is yours.

Hyper | Hyper Mania | Mania :

I love being hyper. Especially when hyper and positive. I can feel like I can take on any task, any challenge, anything. I would jump and throw myself into any situation. I know how this will sound, but it almost felt like a special power. I’d harness the energy and try and use it for something. If I give you an example, after being a couple of weeks at a new job the owner of the company mentioned in a flippant comment about an eCommerce platform called ‘Magento’. I didn’t know or understand what an eCommerce platform was at the time, but I went home that weekend learnt, and played, then developed and actioned a brand new, shoppable website, using this piece of software in a weekend. I presented it the following Monday and I blew people away.

My creative juices flow in my hyper times, hence why I feel I can do anything. This energy is not always positive though, it could be, more often, have a negative impact. An impact on me, my job, my friends, my marriage. I like to call this hyper negativity. What caused me to be negative?
Good question.
I’ve always had issues with trying to communicate anyway (confidence) but when the people around me cannot see where I’m going with my ideas, or not quite understand what I’m trying to plan or do, naturally friction occurs for both parties. For me this would develop into over thinking.
Why did they say that? What if they do that? If they say this i’ll say that? Why did they say that to me in that way?
I would allow these types of questions and thoughts, dwell for days, weeks, months, what are the possible outcomes, think, worry, get anxious, get nervous and basically make stuff up in my mind that disabled my ability to ‘Let it go!’
Why did I do this?
You can imagine the prison I build for myself in my mind.

Argue with your limitations, and surely they’re yours”

Richard Bach / Novelist

Empty | Alone | Depression

Now time to get a bit serious now. I’ve only TRULY tried to end my life once. The other times were severe attempts of trying to cause myself harm. Why?
I felt either empty or alone. Could I have avoided the cause of why I felt this way? Yes. Was I emotionally intelligent enough to handle these situations? No.
One of the running themes of depression is emptiness, an emptiness for life itself. What I loved when I was hyper, was so far away in this hollow chasm of nothingness. I could never ever see the good in anything. Some days, to even open my eyes was just impossible. I felt nothingness, I know what nothingness feels like. Free falling emptyness.
You know that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach when you hear devastating news? Like that, but all the time, for days, for weeks. It causes your emotional brain to just shut down, making you build walls that nothing good can penetrate…. Ha ha …. penetrate. But somehow…. somehow.. I managed to scramble, and climb, and fall a bit, then hurl myself back into the light… I really don’t know how I did some of these things. Especially with situations that were going on around me at times. That is want I want to explore here with you.

I need to write this blog for these reasons,  I need to understand how and why, I need to make sense of this good inside me.. I have spent 35 years carrying such negativity that I don’t know who this is. All I know is, this is a good thing and i’m beaming with positivity.
Don’t panic, I’ve already questioned my doctor about the possibility I was experiencing delusions of grandure, god complex, euphoria types of hyper-mania, am I experiencing this for the first time? He told me I was very happy but in control. I just went through a massive positive change, of course I’m bloomin happy about it.

Okay got all emotional writing this bit, drained a bit now, the wife is also telling me to go to bed.
I have 13 titles in draft form, I aim to try and write one a week. So we are good till Christmas at least…