25 yrs of torment as I was emotionally disconnected from me.
Live with a yet to be diagnosed mood disorder, practice #meditation and #mindfulness.

I apologize for not being strict with myself. I had said I would write a blog post every week. I’ve just not had the motivation. I have plenty to say and write, but I just couldn’t muster the energy to do so. I’ve had a turbulent couple of weeks if I’m honest. My moods have been okay, but there has been instances where I’ve had to step back and assess. Being mindful is hard when you feel a great big flash of emotion, which then compels you to do the right thing. But then there is the right thing in that moment, and then there is the right thing after the moment has gone. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing.

There are many things in life I should be thankful for. Unfortunately I don’t always see it that way. I have this terrible, shitty habbit, of saying to myself  ‘NOPE! I don’t need you, or you. I’ve survived on my own for so long that your input means nothing to me.’ Everything in that statement is totally wrong. I couldn’t survive without you. Thank you.

I do not read books that often. My attention span is worse than a guppy, 3.7 seconds and I move on to the next thing. ‘ooooh look something shiney…. SQUIRREL!!’.
This year I have managed to read two books, both by the same author. I knew this author, I had worked with him for brief period in 2001-2002. We never really got to know each other at the time however, we wern’t exactly what you would call friends. More like colleagues forced to work with each other. Little did I know that behind his ‘Snippy’ quips and outrageous attitude was someone who knew pain, knew heartache and knew that love shouldn’t feel like the way he had experienced. Through his pain he created something that he should be incredibly proud of. Please, If you just read one book over the next year, make it one of these below. His characterisation is excellent, his northern humour is second to none, and laughing through the trauma certainly helps. David Richards, Thank you.

I listen to music as much as I can. Hearing a song that was of a time, of a moment, can bring you back to that moment. I’ve found such strength in lyrics that it is hard to hear these songs back sometimes. But without them, who knows.
‘If That Were Me’ by Melanie C, takes me back to to the year 2000 where, through no fault of my own I was living on the streets of Manchester. Sleeping in large ‘Biffa’ recycling bins, begging for food on Market Street and struggling to survive. Melanie Chisolm, thank you.

‘Palo Santo’ by Years and Years in particular, helped me through some massive crossroads this year. It helped me understand the different sides to my bipolar, what triggers me off, how I react to them. All the lyrics on that album spoke to me and rang so true.
‘If Your’re Over Me’ the chirpy, upbeat summer anthem of 2018 rang so true. If you listen to it and imagine this is me talking to myself, actually the whole album does this, my good side and bad side having a conversation between each other.
The lyrics to ‘Sanctify’ felt like I was accepting my past and my past actions, ‘Sanctify my sins when I pray’.
‘All for you’ carried the theme of my bipolar, still carrying that potent conversation with the good and evil in me, ‘You played your game, it was all for you.’
The title song Palo Santo talks about depression and how it can creep up, consume you and make you feel worthless, ‘You’re the darkness in me’.
It’s not all doom and gloom, the song Preacher gave me some positive energy to absorb and expell. ‘Just imangine, just how good I can look on your shoulder’.
Then the genius song Karma. ‘But good things are coming to me. Karma come over, lean on my shoulder’ has become my current theme song. It speaks to me in such a way, it’s hard not to love this song.
‘Tell me I’m broken by design, so I can see the beauty in my flaws and find some peace of mind.’
A big massive gigantic, thank you to Years & Years and Olly Alexander for Palo Santo.

The trauma I experienced in my formative years may not be shared with my siblings. They experienced things differently, but that doesn’t make their journeys any more or less harder than mine. They dealt with their pain in different ways. I hope each of them has finally found peace, I know some have. I want to thank two family members in particular, they showed me what love and caring really felt like, how families were supposed to behave, how to create your own circle of Love.
I will never forget my first spaghetti bolognese. There was more love and attention in that meal than any other I had ever tasted. As small as that gesture may have been to you, was a revelation to me. Thank you.

I’ve mentioned before that I find technology easy. Give me some new tech, new software, retro tech, games console, I can quickly learn how to break it, fix it or repurpose it quite quickly. I believe this is because technology is orderly, or at least it should be. If this, then do that. If this, go to line 45, wait for input, validate input, run script, execute file, FTP to X,Y & Z.
Whenever I was lost, chaotic or in self destruct mode, I found technology gave me a focus. Creating music video’s dressed up to the nines in drag, remixing songs, building websites, ripping, hacking, rebuilding, installing, even writing this blog today. Thank you technology.

I woke up this morning with an urge to write. How the bloody hell do you write a book?

May the force be with you. Always.


PS: Check out Tom Grennan, awesome voice.

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