My un-wired brain has been keeping emotions from entering my body.
I am now finding it hard to stop feeling so much.
It’s almost like I feel things too much, Is that me? Is that my bipolar?
I don’t know, it’s part of me whatever it is. I think growing up I went through such trauma and emotional upset, the connection in my brain wired to the emotional parts, were cut off. No power supply there, no back up generator.
I had stopped anything from entering my emotional consciousness for so long, I had forgotten how to feel. Not like the Vulkan practice of Kolinahr, but not knowing them as I should.
Of course over time I had learnt to be empathetic, loving, kind. But a big portion of that was blocked from being expressed. I had learnt to have a great poker face, never showing my hand, never laying my cards on the table. I certainly never allowed my heart and mind to be open.
This caused me to be self obsessive and narcisistic with the emotional maturity of a 2 year old, stamping his feet and throwing a tantrum because he couldn’t understand the world around him.
By god am I making up for this now!!
It is really hard work to be calm and mindful when a bullet of emotion just expells itself from your body. Whether happiness, excitement, frustration or empathy, they are all stronger than I have ever felt before.
I’m doing incredibly well to contain myself. I’ve buggered up a few times, but I realise not long after the moment, apolagise and try to rectify my actions.
That is all I can do, it is, what it is.
Have the integrity to accept your actions, learn from them, assess them and move on. A wise man once told me “Adapt and Overcome”, this could not ring truer to everything going on around me at the moment. The best part of it all though, is I can finally understand other humans emotions.
I’ve cried numerous times in the past 4 weeks, so much more than I have ever done.
Some Justified with good valid reasons, others, not so much.
Tears streaming down my face listening to a 12 year old song for example. Realising everything you are going through rings true in the lyrics. ‘This Boy’ by James Morrison.
I have outbursted and got angry at main stream media/news outlets. They just put a glaze over what is actually happening.
Getting really wound up by the events happening to the poor Avery family of Wisonsin on Making A Murderer 2, getting caught up in the moment and start to get preachy on social media.
All this okay, I’m allowed to feel these things, It is certainly justified.
But I can’t change past events, I can’t change what has happened to the Avery’s and Brendan Dassey.
I can’t predict what will happen in the future.
All I can do is empathise, learn, live, love and be loved. And never forgetting to adapt and overcome.